I'm not going to do this again. I'm not going to let his mindgames affect me. I've had enough.




I'm leaving. It's high time that I went and searched for Remus in earnest.

Take care of yourselves.


[So: Cloud is quitting his job. Thanks, mods.]

[ Private, unhackable ]

*Cloud is sitting on the cot in the healing tent, across from Sephiroth's unconscious form. He looks decidedly unhappy -- frustration is only the tip of the iceberg.

It was eye-opening, to watch Sephiroth fall -- Sephiroth, who Cloud had seen as indestructible, untouchable.*

This is ridiculous. I shouldn't be having second thoughts about this, it's pretty damn clear what he did.



But. When I was sure of my own guilt, he helped me instead of threatening to kill me. What the hell is real? Has everything up until now just been a front?

I'm sick of this damn pony show. I want to know why I'm stuck here. I want to know who the hell I am and why he won't give me any straight answers.

Forget about the damn tournament.


[ filtered: Sephiroth, but not done very well due to... extreme emotional distress ]

You knew all of this time, didn't you? Sephiroth.

This time when I kill you, I'll make sure it's permanent.

....


The fight. Ichigo -- Sephiroth?


[Private]

And where am I? The stables, I can hear the horses -- Sephiroth's room?

I.. passed out. No, I couldn't even --

....

Touda -- sorry to keep you waiting. I'll be set to leave next week. All right with you?


[[ Private // Easily Hackable ]]

Found a kid knocked out cold a few days ago. Took him to the old couple that oversees the fields and contacted the clerics.

He had ears similar to those of the kid in green -- pointed, elongated. I should probably introduce them once the kid's awake: they might be from the same world. The clerics said he'd be back to normal in less than a week.

Poor little guy. I'll keep an eye on him.

Has anyone been losing their nightclothes lately? This is the second time that I've found some in my room.



I'll... leave it outside of my room. Come by and get it if it's yours.

[Private // Unhackable]

I don't like this. Remembering that I -- had a penchant for dressing like a woman, and then suddenly, receiving women's clothing on a regular basis?

...maybe it's just a prank. It's not like stranger things haven't happened here.

[/End Private]



Sephiroth, sir. ...would you be up for a sparring session?

[Private]

I want to get moving. Staying in the same spot for so long is starting to make me go stir-crazy. I wish Touda would get his ass in gear so I can finally lay my anxiety about Remus to rest. I hope he's safe. With people who love him. He deserves nothing less.

I worry about Sephiria. I want to take her with us when we do leave, but I don't know whether my company is going to help her at all. She deserves more than I am capable of giving.

...More women's clothing has been dropped off in my room. I think I'll do away with it before I do anything incriminating again. It's a beautiful yukata. Maybe Sephiria would like it, maybe she would be offended if she realized I was giving her my cast-offs. I don't know.

I want to thank Sephiroth for the way he accepted what... what I did, but nothing seems to be adequate. Inadequacy. It's such a familiar feeling. When compared to him, who wouldn't feel inadequate? I want to be like him, I want that confidence, that strength. I want to feel like his equal. It's ingrained into me, I've wanted these things far longer than I have been here.

What was he to me, before any of this? What was he to me, before I -- killed him?

I don't know. Sometimes I think it's better that I don't know.

I picked up my sword for the first time in months. I wanted to ask someone -- Ichigo? -- for a quick spar, but... the uncertainty creeps back, when I think of Aeris.

...no. It won't happen again.

Sora, about the research into the Gummi ships --

Still haven't been able to find much. The books in the library make vague references to "Gummi blocks" and the variety of them available. Using different Gummi blocks lends different properties to the subsequent Gummi ships. But... as to how to obtain the blocks or as to how they're used, I have nothing.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help. I'll keep looking, but I doubt there's much more to find.

[Private // Unhackable]

Feeling better these days. Easier to be alone.

Don't think I can face Ichigo again, after doing what I did.

Sephiroth... I haven't seen him around, lately. Maybe, maybe that's a good thing. And that dark-haired man that I supposedly knew... he's gone, too. I'm almost relieved. I think -- I think I might have known him well, and it's best that he gets as far from me as possible.

[Filtered: Sephiria]

I know you said you're doing all right, but... I want to make sure. If you're not busy... I'll take you to dinner. Bring Chii, too, if you want.

[Filtered: Severus]

Thanks for the help -- it worked.

I guess you have a permanent monthly deal with us, then.

...more gifts. Phoenix, you're welcome to take as many mooncakes as you'd like. After how rude I was to you the other night, it's the least I can do.

[[ Private // hackable if you're really determined to do so. ]]

...drank too much. Though I could hold my liquor, but apparently I have no tolerance at all.

The room's spinning, bright, too bright -- my hand's throbbing, I think I hit it against something --

I just... want to know why... why I did what I did. Why she's dead when I know I cared for her. Why... I... Sephiroth was dead... why did I do it?

...it's crucial, that I remember, but I don't know how to spur it on... maybe...

I remember, wearing that -- dress, Aeris was with me... maybe...

...I'm drunk and this is ridiculous, but... but I did find that dress in our room, and it wasn't Remus's... why would something like that just appear in my room? Especially with... especially knowing that I wore something similar in my memories. ...maybe I'll remember something if I -- if I just try it on. This is stupid. I am stupid. Phoenix is going to walk in on me in a dress and call me a freak.

But... just for a few minutes... if it helps me understand why Aeris is dead and I'm not...

....

You. That I spoke to earlier about the potion.

Meet me by the fields tonight.

[ooc; Don't really see the purpose of this exercise, but I shall play along. The message is mostly just more Cloud!angst, what else? :] ]

[Filtered: Snape]

I... noticed your accent, earlier, after the fire. Did you ever happen to know a man named Remus? Or have anything to do with certain potions dealing with werewolves?


[Private // unhackable]

Sephiria... taught me a lot, today.

I still can't trust myself to stay in the apartments, but...

.....

I'm not going to hurt anyone. Not anymore.

I know that's not enough. Sins aren't forgiven that easily.

But... I want to try and see. If I can change.

[Private // unhackable ]

Got another job. Only a matter of time until I earn enough to move out, now.

New job is calming, at least: I'm out in the fields nearly the entirety of the day. The work isn't interesting, and I miss the horses, but at least - at least there's no chance of me hurting Sephiroth this way.

[Filtered: Sephiria]

If you're free tonight, I'd like to meet. To go over the whole potion business. Let me know.

The fire has apparently been smothered to a manageable size, but make sure no one is entering the apartments just yet -- the fire would have weakened the structure of the building. We don't want any more accidents.

[Private; unhackable]

Seeing the fire... there's something that I can't remember, something that I know will tie all of these random flashes of bloodshed up.

I thought -- if I died... if I let the fire take over, and gave in... wouldn't it have been better? For everyone, these people around me... Aeris, what if Sephiria is the next Aeris, to die by my hand -- and Ichigo, and Sephiroth... if I was dead, wouldn't that fix everything? I know my own strength, and it terrifies me to think of what could happen if... if I really did lose control...

I... should have gone along with it. Coward. Coward.

....Sephiroth, sir. Apparently I am required to throw a rock at you, so, uh... I'msorry.

I guess we're on our way back.

[ Filtered to: Sephiria ]

...I'm sorry. All I seem to be doing lately is apologizing and then screwing up again, but this time... I'll be there when you need me, if you can still trust me.

Private

I'm actually looking forward to the whole idea of being out at sea... if I'm not around my sword or the people that I know I have hurt in the past -- maybe things will finally settle down.

Not to mention that snake... I remember something, something similar, but it's not tangible enough for me to sort it all out. Why would a dead snake be placed outside of my window, when I am apparently the only one that found any significance in it?

It's -- I don't know. Too much of a coincidence.